I Am Air

I am about to embark on becoming a mother to a 2nd little boy in about a month.  A lot of people have asked the usual questions, "are you excited? (absolutely)  are you ready? (is anybody ever?), etc... 

I have talked to my mother about this recently too, (a mother of 4) in regards to how the upcoming little one's presence will change the dynamic of my home. Of course I am willing, of course I am up for it, of course I will love it. I have wanted children for so long and 2 boys is more than I ever dreamed I could hope for after years of issues with fertility. So don't get me wrong at all on my rant about motherhood coming up, I love it, I want it, always have, always will. 

There is; however, this veil of motherhood that a girl sees as she grows up and aspires to motherhood. I always thought of it as being this extremely rewarding and fulfilling duty. I remembered how much I loved my mother when I was younger (still do) and couldn't wait to be that for my own children. Anyway, I digress, let me get to the point on how I feel as a mother instead of how I thought I would feel:

I AM AIR.

I understand that motherhood is important, I know my child and husband need  me in the role that I have as a partner and mentor. I am as important to them as the air that they breathe. I feel it in their hugs and kisses, in their basic needs that I take care of everyday from finances, errands, up-keep of the home, kisses and hugs when they come home from work or play. But, much like air, I am overlooked, needed of course, but never really thought about. 

Absolutely, if air was gone, you'd better believe that I would be sorely missed. Vital to the needs of the home, my absence would be killer. But, as the needed element, I often times feel just as easily taken advantage of as a breath in and out and as involuntarily accounted upon. Much as a person doesn't think about breathing, I feel that sometimes, my purpose, my sole reason for being is as vanilla and bland as air. 

I believe that there are other mother's that must feel the same way. Believe me, I don't mean this to be depressing. AIR is dang important. Feeling that my family needs me is incredibly satisfying. To know that my child needs me to survive not only physiologically but psychologically is a very fulfilling role. I just think that there comes a point, as a mother, when I stopped being a person. Let's say I used to be Clove, or some other really cool spice that has real flavor, essentially over time I became .....MOTHER. Almost as if someone slapped a sticker on my forehead and put me on a shelf and made me a generic non-entity. 

I KNOW there must be other mother's out there that can relate to this. I'm sure that there is a way to become more like the way that I used to be, allspice and all, but I'm not sure how to keep my MOTHER role while continuing to remain individual and separate as a person and not just as my role in my life assigns me.

Of course there are going to be those "suck it up buttercup" types, and I would say that for a part I do agree with that ideology. However, I also think that there is a strength that can come from a camaraderie of just knowing that there are other's out there that can grasp how you feel at a given point in your life. Sometimes, it just takes knowing you're not alone to find strength and "buck it up". :)